Those inspired by my tales of triumph and glory here in North Carolina might consider moving here. Be careful.
It’s not inconceivable you’d find a place in the same town I’m in or even next door, so be sure to purchase a roundtrip ticket. Other considerations before leaving Ukiah on the next Greyhound bus:
Californians are likely to be off-put by odd customs and traditions practiced here in the south. Examples? First, nothing here can quite match the Palace Hotel. There’s nowhere to buy surfboards, and no hot tub shops.
Giants and 49er gear is in short supply and not because everyone has already filled their closets with it. Hint: This is NASCAR country.
A quaint novelty found in North Carolina is the two party political system. Unlike Russia, China, Cuba, Venezuela and California, there are lively, competitive elections, and in order for politicians to get things done the winning party is pretty much required to bargain with the other via debate, quid pro quos and old fashioned horse trading. Weird huh?
Also marijuana is not easily purchased and consumed here, mostly because it’s illegal. Keep that in mind when you visit. And ipso resulto it follows that there is less illegal drug use overall down here.
I’ve never, for example, heard a word about fentanyl, and druggies and mentally lost homeless people are nowhere to be seen. Wife and I have made zero sightings of homeless camps in three years, nor seen anybody pushing a shopping cart except within 100 feet of a grocery store.
REAL ESTATE
Don’t bother. Forget it. There are numerous Ukiah houses that would be bulldozed back here. And there are lots of houses in my neighborhood and on my street that have been empty as long as I’ve lived here. If one of nicer ones showed up “As Is” on West Perkins, long lines would gather.
So forget it already.
VEHICLES
It’s true you can buy a house in North Carolina for less than a car in California, and it’s also true you can buy a car in North Carolina for less than it costs to fill the gas tank in California.
When driving in the south be aware that locals have doubled down on California’s laissez faire attitude toward turn signals. Few cars are equipped with lighting devices hinting what direction the car will be turning. This is because turn signals are expensive options on new cars, and many southerners feel they can’t afford them.
They use the money not spent on turn signals to buy big, loud engines without exhaust systems, which must also be frightfully expensive.
FOOD
“California Cuisine” debuted on the west coast so long ago that no one remembers what it was. Blackened fish? Sun dried tomatoes? Avocados on toast? Avocados on toast with wasabi sauce?
Today the Golden State specializes in fresh, vegan, vegetarian, non-GMO, farm to table fare. In North Carolina it’s different and worse. This doesn’t mean BBQ ain’t marvelous back here, but a lot of what they call barbecue gets served up in joints that aren’t much above Dennys, complete with formica tables, booths seating six (or, depending on patron heft, four) with ketchup-y sauce and a side of mac-n-cheese.
Mac-n-Cheese is the state food. Given its status and the 150 years to perfect the stuff, it fails every cuisine test imaginable. I’ve never made worse macaroni and cheese in my life, and I make mine with 59-cent boxes of Kraft.
Even less glamorous (and less appetizing) side dishes, are cole slaw, fritters, grits and hush puppies. All you need know is they’re worse than the mac-n-cheese and nearly as popular.
NUISANCES
Ukiah is overrun with homeless people, but North Carolina is overrun with chiggers. The difference?
The Carolina chiggers are hard to see but easy to get rid of.
In Ukiah homeless people are easy to see but hard to get rid of.
SOCIAL INTERACTIONS
Everyone is friendlier and more outgoing in the south and I’m not the first to notice. Shoppers are forever yakking and laughing in grocery store aisles, making it difficult to snatch boxes of Kraft Macaroni ’n’ Cheese off the shelves.
Racial stuff seems to get ignored; those people gabbing in the grocery store are an easy mix of colors. Stand in line and an old black lady is likely to turn and ask what you plan on doing with those tomatillos, or what the hell’s going on when Cheerios suddenly cost $5 a box??
There’s more to all this than a handful of paragraphs can tell, so just roll your eyes and move on. Frank Zotter’s column is a good place to go, says Tom Hine. TWK has the day off.